Communication is a very integral part of our daily lives. Yesterday we discussed the theory behind communication as well as its implications. In addition, we used real life examples to help depict how difficult something simple as talking to one another can really be. Before yesterday’s class, it never occurred to me that there was one particular aspect of communication that I find challenging, but after going through all those examples in class, I think I would have to say that it is probably the sending feedback to the sender stage. I feel that a lot of times I skip this stage and may not show the sender that I have received the message, and that I understand it. I believe that at times, I don’t engage in back-channelling when I should, which may cause the sender frustration, as he or she may be under the impression that I am not listening to him or her. For example in our career project group, an individual was giving out tasks to everyone, so he said to me, “You are responsible for finishing you part by October 25th”, and I did not nod, or indicate to him that I understood, so he had to ask, “did you hear what I said?”. If I had perhaps given him the appropriate feedback, he would have felt that I was listening to him.
I find that there are many challenges I face when it comes to communication; for example, I see the world through my own eyes, and not through those of others. When someone makes a point, or does something, I may not understand why they are doing what they are doing, and may think that it is unnecessary as I can only see the world through my own eyes. For example, our group had dinner at the Keg, and one of our group members who worked there, wanted to leave a huge tip, which I found to be completely unnecessary, I was shocked at how much he wanted to leave, as it was much greater than the standard 15%; later on when I thought about it, I realized that maybe he felt obligated to as he worked with our waiter, and it may have looked bad, if he did not leave more; but at the time when he did it, I could not see why, as I was only looking at the situation through my lens.
Selective listening is another big challenge that I face with my friends and family. I find that both my parents are so busy multitasking, that they only hear certain bits and pierces of what I say, and then I end up having to repeat myself later because they claim that I did not tell them earlier. I find this completely and utterly frustrating, but I doubt it will ever change. I think they are so use to doing multiple things at once, that it is now hard to have a conversation with them in which I do not have to repeat myself. For example, when my mom is driving, and someone is speaking to her, she hears like only 2 words, because she is trying so hard to concentrate on the road; so now if anyone is in the car with her, they just avoid talking altogether!
Although I mentioned several challenges to communication above, I believe that these challenges can be defeated using a few strategies that I commonly find myself engaging in; one very important one would have to be active listening. Active listening can only be done if you have mutual trust and respect with the other party, and if you are able to empathize with him or her. You cannot actively listen to someone you do not want to listen to; i.e. someone you do not respect or trust. In addition, you have to be open with one another and give each other feedback, as this opens up the lines to effective communication. For example, when I am in a group meeting, and I want to show the speaker that I am actively listening, I ensure that I do not interrupt him or her, I show that what he or she is saying is interesting by giving the speaker non-verbal feedback (i.e. eye contact), in addition, I show that I empathize with the speaker by being able to relate and understand what he or she is communicating, and I would clarify their message in the end by asking follow up questions. An example of this process would be as follows:
I am having a conversation with my best friend “Mary”, who is speaking to me about her frustration with her boyfriend “John”.
Mary: Nurin, I just don’t get it, he does not call me unless I call him! Like I mean we have been….
Nurin: (does not interrupt, and lets Mary continue to speak, but shows Mary eye contact, and uses facial expressions)
Mary: We have been going out for 6 years, and John still never calls me on his own.
Nurin: (waits for a gap in which she can provide feedback): Mary, I totally understand what you’re going through, I know how annoying it can be when your boyfriend does not call you, it makes you feel frustrated, right? (Follow up question)
The steps I outlined above are what I use when I show that I am actively listening to a friend, family member, acquaintance, co-worker, etc.